Seriously??

Well as I maybe mentioned briefly in a previous post I have had issues with numbness in my entire right leg for on the upward of almost 2 years now (come the end of oct). After getting blown off my dr's I decided maybe looking into a chiropractor. I flip flopped with the idea and looked at the pile of medical bills were already paying on and held off. ( it had been a few weeks or so)
Well a week ago I went to the farmers market and there was a booth of a family chiropractic doctors and they asked my dad "would you like your spine checked?" he of course grunted no. We walked a few steps away and I said "why not now?" I handed him my son, turned around and asked if I could have mine checked.
Well after spending 10 minutes in this booth, they took a few pictures pulled it up on their medical program and found I was completely off balance and clearly needed work. He asked what issues I've been having and we talked about the difficulties I've had getting answers.
For starters it all began November of 2010. We were driving from Oregon to Minnesota to visit family on our way back to moving to Michigan. (I've always had back pain since a car accident in 2006, but since I had gone to the hospital and been checked out, I never thought anything of it)
The day before we got to Minnesota my back pain significantly worsened and now it was like someone drilled into the bone of my butt cheek and continued down my outer right thigh. It was so severe I sat on ice and limped the whole week we were there, the pain never letting up. I had just found out I was pregnant, however I was barely even 8 weeks and i was at a very healthy weight so there's truly no way it was the baby. I endured the pain for a few months until I couldn't take it anymore and around 5 months pregnant I began finding it harder and harder to work. I told my OBGYN about it and without any checking or searching they said "that sounds like sciatica, normal during pregnancy" well later that month I had to quit my job because the pain was so bad. I figured my expanding belly was taking a toll on my body clearly, or so I thought. during my pregnancy the pain turned into numbness and tingling. It got worse and worse. Some days I could barely pull myself out of bed my back and leg hurt so bad.
After having the baby in June of 2011, I asked the dr's If this would go away and they replied "with time it should go away, but some people suffer from sciatica for life." I honestly laughed to that because I'm sorry, my leg is completely numb to my foot and my back is killing me, and you're telling me I have to possibly live like this FOR LIFE? Yeah f-ing (pardon my French) right.
So I've gone back and fourth to the dr's since last year trying to get answers. The numbness hasn't subsided, the pain doesn't go away. I drive and my foot is barely even felt. I don't sleep more than 2 hours a night. I've lost all the baby weight, and then some more (thank you nursing!) and nothing? After over a year and a half nothing. The only thing the dr did was tell me it could be an IT band injury, which it wasn't. And sent me to Physical Therapy, which after $350 and 6 long weeks, 3 days a week, the numbness didn't subside. The pain never went away. I've been on a 8 month wait to see a neurologist and that appointment still isn't until Oct.8...(seriously ridiculous for someone in a lot if pain).
Well anyways back to this past week. I went to that same old dr for my sons 12 month check up and the dr asked how I was. I told him nothing had changed, the numbness was almost unbearable and finally, no joke after seeing him about 6 times and a MRI, blood clot test, a few other random non helpful tests later he said he wanted to refer me to a different dr. WTF kiss my ass. That's total bs. So I decided to go with my gut and go to the chiropractic office. At the farmers market if you signed up you would get there first time patient package that involved a nerve test, a series of X-rays, a spine evaluation and a foot evaluation. All about a $400 value for $30. Yup, check done and done. Why not?!
Well my X-rays not only showed how severely screwed up my back were, it showed my neck was messed up from my car accident and I had 7 bulging discs in my back from the top of my spine down to the end of it, among other things. At the end revealing degenerative disc disease.
I don't think I've ever been more relived in my life to know there was something absolutely wrong with me, and I wasn't crazy. They told me there is a perfect non-surgical treatment that in my case would take on the upwards of about a year. They also said if and when I follow up with the neurologist that they will suggest surgery, which isn't always the best idea. However all happiness comes with a price correct?
Well chiropractic care barely covered by insurance, and when I saw how much the treatment was/is. I welled up knowing very well this probably wasn't an option. So as I began my first treatment today, they said it would be 4 days a week for 7 weeks for the 1st phase, 2 days a week for 14 weeks, then 1 day a week for 28 weeks for the 3rd phase (maintenance phase). He said that there's a good chance I could skip after the 7 weeks into the 3rd phase but it all depended on how my body responds. All of the treatment is non-surgical, no pain meds, completely natural. Well guess what? Insurance doesn't cover natural. And this has me stressed out. Each treatment is $86.60 a pop (4 x a wk for 7 wks=$2400 roughly) with a discount it's $2100. So I asked the office manager how they do the payments and she said one lump some of the $2165 or the only other option would be to cut it in half in two payments over 7 weeks. Well that's just the first phase. Then I didn't even bother to ask about the 2nd and 3rd because from the looks of it, each phase is nearly $2-3000.
What am I supposed to do? I have a extremely rare chronic kidney disease, 2 auto immune diseases and now a disc disease, that if I don't resolve now, I could very well be in a wheelchair before I'm 50.
I don't work, because my old job didn't even cover daycare so were not going to go into debt paying for someone else to take care if our child and my husband has a good job, but at the end of the day, we still struggle to make ends meat some months, just like everyone else in America. Plus we pay so much money each month for health insurance but for what? We still get extremely high bills, deductibles etc that seem seriously never ending. Student loans and medical bills eat up every last extra dollar we even see.

I seriously don't know what to do anymore. I want my life back. I don't want to live in pain. Why is this happening to me constantly? Is there any other options? I thought about filing for disability today, something I'm still considering, but at the same time I feel like a giant failure. I could go work nights at a restaurant but I'll probably worsen my back let alone not be able to stand that long with my leg being numb. I'm honestly at an all time loss. It's 5:30 am and I've been up since 2 tossing and turning. At what point do I catch a break? I've stayed extremely positive for so long, but I'm beginning to feel very weak and defeated.

All I want is to scream for help, but there's nothing or no one to help. I'm trying to be strong for my family and myself. The only thing I feel I can do is call back the dr who had so many times dropped the ball and try to get a dr that is covered more by insurance and cancel my appointment with the chiropractor. I'm so angry I could cry. Well crying doesn't help, I've been doing that all night.

Reflections

Might be a little different than my usual posts, but you gotta get it out somewhere right?

Yesterday was a reminder of something I want but not sure I've ever had or ever will: A real best {girl} friend. Or even female family. Which was bittersweet, but it's ok.
I never had a ton of female presence in my life growing up besides my grandma. My mom was in and out of my life {by choice} from 11-19. The longest was from 14 1/2-18 yrs old. Pretty much when I think every girl needs her mom. Her mother wasn't in my life either for the last 14 years but is still alive and only in the last 7 months she's tried to reach out since the baby has been born.

Everyone else like my aunt, family or friends just have their own lives going on and really don't have time for anyone but themselves really :(

I always wonder why I was never a girl who had tons of girlfriends. But I will say it wasn't for the lack of trying. I was bullied most of my life, from at least 5th grade up until I finished high school early. Middle school wasn't too bad, but high school was nearly the death of me. It was awful.

It's cool watching all these bullying campaigns going on now a days...but shit! What happened to all these advocates when I needed them growing up?? Haha....

But there really are key events in my life where I've lost trust in having females in my life and it really just becomes clear why I have a hard time and after so many years without I'm almost just closed off to the idea I'll ever make new girlfriends.

The issue really is I always give people the benefit of the doubt and give 2,3 sometimes 5 chances before I cut people off (depending clearly on the situation). And every time I try again it's always something so I just stop. But lately I'm beginning to feel lonely. I hope I meet someone new and make newer friends soon.

Anyways tho!!!
Today was also a reminder that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all...
Someone commented on a photo of my almost 1 year old in reference to him still using a pacifier and it is someone in a touchy spot. Family, but family that barely have like anything to do with my family (husband, son and I).I don't want to say who, but it's a group of people pretty much....however I've always, always, always been so nice and always trying to get closer and be more of a family (since I lacked that growing up) and I just get shut out. Every. Single. Time. That and pretty much judged and throw some pretty harsh treatment on a consistent basis. I don't know why I try so hard sometimes, I really don't.

BUT (lots of but's in this entry..) if I wasn't always doing these things or being this person, I wouldn't be me. I don't always do the right thing bc that's what you should do. I do it because I want happiness and fulfillment from extended family and life in general. And I get my happiness I guess this way..

Since the last 24 hrs have been a bit of a time for reflecting I decided to make myself a promise: to continue using everyday as a learning experience to grow from, even if I'm just a spectator. Just a reminder I'd like to continue learning how to be a better me.