Reflections

Might be a little different than my usual posts, but you gotta get it out somewhere right?

Yesterday was a reminder of something I want but not sure I've ever had or ever will: A real best {girl} friend. Or even female family. Which was bittersweet, but it's ok.
I never had a ton of female presence in my life growing up besides my grandma. My mom was in and out of my life {by choice} from 11-19. The longest was from 14 1/2-18 yrs old. Pretty much when I think every girl needs her mom. Her mother wasn't in my life either for the last 14 years but is still alive and only in the last 7 months she's tried to reach out since the baby has been born.

Everyone else like my aunt, family or friends just have their own lives going on and really don't have time for anyone but themselves really :(

I always wonder why I was never a girl who had tons of girlfriends. But I will say it wasn't for the lack of trying. I was bullied most of my life, from at least 5th grade up until I finished high school early. Middle school wasn't too bad, but high school was nearly the death of me. It was awful.

It's cool watching all these bullying campaigns going on now a days...but shit! What happened to all these advocates when I needed them growing up?? Haha....

But there really are key events in my life where I've lost trust in having females in my life and it really just becomes clear why I have a hard time and after so many years without I'm almost just closed off to the idea I'll ever make new girlfriends.

The issue really is I always give people the benefit of the doubt and give 2,3 sometimes 5 chances before I cut people off (depending clearly on the situation). And every time I try again it's always something so I just stop. But lately I'm beginning to feel lonely. I hope I meet someone new and make newer friends soon.

Anyways tho!!!
Today was also a reminder that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all...
Someone commented on a photo of my almost 1 year old in reference to him still using a pacifier and it is someone in a touchy spot. Family, but family that barely have like anything to do with my family (husband, son and I).I don't want to say who, but it's a group of people pretty much....however I've always, always, always been so nice and always trying to get closer and be more of a family (since I lacked that growing up) and I just get shut out. Every. Single. Time. That and pretty much judged and throw some pretty harsh treatment on a consistent basis. I don't know why I try so hard sometimes, I really don't.

BUT (lots of but's in this entry..) if I wasn't always doing these things or being this person, I wouldn't be me. I don't always do the right thing bc that's what you should do. I do it because I want happiness and fulfillment from extended family and life in general. And I get my happiness I guess this way..

Since the last 24 hrs have been a bit of a time for reflecting I decided to make myself a promise: to continue using everyday as a learning experience to grow from, even if I'm just a spectator. Just a reminder I'd like to continue learning how to be a better me.